


The Creator

by kribban



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Background Slash, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 01:57:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19141279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kribban/pseuds/kribban
Summary: Hikaru has to live with his loss whether he deals with it or not.





	The Creator

Hikaru accepts the First Officer position on the Reliant without blinking. It's long overdue with his excellent service record and he can already smell the Captaincy coming up in a few years' time. There are family accommodations on the Reliant and he'll get to see Ben and Demora at the end of every shift. They can be a normal family again, or at least, as close to normal as you get in the fleet. 

 

Spock is stoic. Uhura and Scotty both cry. McCoy just looks glum. Kirk slaps him on the back and pulls him aside to give him a few pointers. They give him an 18th century Earth sword, the real deal, and Hikaru actually chokes up a little as he says his goodbyes.

Leaving the Enterprise-A isn't nearly as hard. She's not the original model, and well, it's never been quite the same.

 

Demora gets her own bedroom on the Reliant and Hikaru has to give the ship's architect credit for creating a compact living space that actually feels liveable. Ben is filling the cupboards with kitchenware and he takes out the carved wooden box, moves to open it.

“Leave it,” Hikaru says softly, and Ben moves his hands away like they have been burned. 

 

Six months in, they rescue an Andorian freighter whose captain speaks of a vast, luminous cloud and Hikaru doesn't allow himself to feel anything. The freighter's records are reviewed and the logs check out but the star charts are woefully incomplete. The Andorian captain is relieved to learn that what she saw was just a nebula and Hikaru can't blame her for her relief. 

“How was your day, baby?” Ben asks over his shoulder and nods to the kitchen table. Hikaru opens a drawer, takes out plates and cutlery. 

“Uneventful,” he replies honestly. 

 

For a couple of months after, Hikaru had visited the ship's counselor. Captain Kirk had ordered it, although he'd pretended he'd ordered it for everyone. Hikaru had nodded and gone to take out his frustrations on a punching bag in the gym. He had followed orders, but after a while, it was clear that further counseling was a waste of time and he told Doctor Lindoern so.

“I don't see the point. It's not like I'm getting over this.”

He badly wanted her to argue but she just leaned forward in her armchair, looking intently at him. “Maybe you're not. But I can help you find the tools to cope with your loss.” 

A giant waste of time.

“I'm a good father and husband. I'm an excellent officer. I sleep full nights and I don't use narcotics or drink to excess. How am I not coping?”

Doctor Lindoern pressed her lips together but nodded. “I'll write a note to the Captain that you're no longer in need of treatment. But Lieutenant, if you change your mind you know where to find me.” 

Hikaru remembered standing to shake her hand. There was a perverse sense of relief in knowing that there was nothing that could be done. 

 

Captain Terrell is promoted to Admiral less than three years later. He's in good spirits and reminds everyone that it's a glorified desk job, even though Hikaru can see how relieved he is that he's no longer in charge of the ship. 

Hikaru and Ben host the senior officers for drinks after the reception. Their small quarters are overflowing with people, but it's an important rite of transition, and besides, they'll move into larger quarters soon.

Demora is a delight to all the guests, riding high on the buzz of staying up past her bedtime. Hikaru knows her good mood will fade when she realizes he won't be around as much anymore, but for now, he's content to see her happy. 

“Any last minute advice, Admiral?” 

He's come to know Terrell well over the last few years, or at least Hikaru would like to think so. 

The older man just scoffs at him. “You're as a ready as a person can be, Hikaru. Hell, you've been ready for years.” Suddenly, he laughs to himself and slaps Hikaru twice on the back. “But if you're nervous you can always sit down and write two letters.”

Two days later, when everyone's recovered from their hangovers and Hikaru has officially taken command of the Reliant, he researches the phrase and learns that it's an old Earth-joke about the Soviet Union. 

 

Being a Captain is everything that Hikaru has both dreamed of and dreaded and he turns forty-five during a week-long engagement near the Neutral Zone. By the time it's over, the Reliant is battered but intact and all the crew are accounted for. He finds Ben and Demora huddled together in bed and he crawls in with his boots still on, clinging to his small but intact family. He never gets a birthday cake that year, but he does get a medal. 

 

Jim Kirk is fatter and greyer and looks slightly sadder than he used to, but his hugs are the same and the pride in his eyes is genuine. 

“I'm glad you're doing so well,” he says and Hikaru can hear the pleading in his voice, the prayer. “You've got it made, you know. Command _and_ a family. They should find out what makes you tick and synthesize it.”

“Going through a dry spell, Captain?” 

The pained expression in Jim's eyes makes Hikaru chuckle and he holds up two fingers to the bartender. They're in a surprisingly classy establishment on Starbase Five and it's way too early in the evening to be crowded. It's a perfect occasion for two old friends to catch up. 

“Like you wouldn't believe,” Jim groans and empties his glass. “And it's not getting any easier. Like Chekov used to say; you either use it or you lose it.” He rests his chin in his hands and smirks, well on his way to being tipsy. “Remember when he had a thing for that pastry chef who ended up cheating on him? He'd bought so many of her cupcakes we were all eating them for days.” 

“It's getting late,” Hikaru says and there's a hand on his arm; firm, solid.

“How come you never want to talk about him?” Jim asks and that's the moment their drinks arrive. 

Hikaru smiles at the bartender and keeps his arm perfectly still, like the weight on it means nothing. “I've talked enough about what happened.”

“No, no,” Jim says with a whine and finally removes his hand. “Not about – about _Chekov_ , Hikaru! About his gym shoes that stunk up the rec room and the disgusting things he ordered from the replicator. You don't have to...” He sighs and takes a sip of his new drink. “You're allowed to talk about him.”

“Maybe I don't want to talk about him with _you_ , Jim. You ever thought about that?”

Jim winces and Hikaru holds back what he wants to say but it's obvious from Jim's expression that it doesn't need to be said.

“You should have seen his face,” Jim says softly. “If you'd just been there... you would have understood.” 

 

Ben folds his arms and leans against the door frame, ready for battle. “It's just a school assignment. Contemporary Earth History.” 

“That's right. It's just a school assignment.” Hikaru knows he's being unfair but he can't help it, not today. “So why would you try to hide it from me?”

“Because I know how you get this time of the year.” Ben sighs. “And you have enough on your hands with the delegation.”

Demora only knows what's taught in the curriculum, which is far from the whole truth about what happened. That's a choice they have made, that Hikaru has made, and he'd make it again and again if he had too.

“I understand,” he says and smiles. “It's sweet of you to worry.”

 

The first time Pavel had held Demora he'd gone completely quiet. It was like she had put a spell on him or something. All of his focus was on supporting her head, on keeping her safe in his arms, and Hikaru's heart grew about two sizes. She had started fussing after a while and Hikaru had fed her a bottle, Pavel hovering like a ghost the whole time. 

“She is beautiful, Hikaru. Oh, I'm going to have so many children!”

Demora had chosen that moment to spit out the formula and Hikaru had wiped her off as best as he could. He was always going to do his best for her and he was beginning to realize it would never be good enough. 

“You might want to start with one. See how you like it. Who are you planning on having all these babies with, anyway?”

“Barbara,” Pavel had said with that dopey expression that meant he was in love. 

Last Hikaru had heard, Pavel had been dating a Kelly. Before that an Annica. Before that he'd been somewhat serious with Martha Landon and they had all been rooting for it to last.

“Barbara, huh? Why don't you tell me about Barbara while I put Demora to bed?”

Hikaru would be very surprised if this Barbara was still in the picture at the end of the month. Pavel was the kind of guy who went all in when he liked someone, and that level of intensity tended to scare women off. Luckily he was still very young and would have plenty of time to get it right.

 

Hikaru doesn't cry when Demora hugs them goodbye, but he holds onto her a little longer than he usually does when they hug. She's almost as tall as Ben now and her long black hair is tied neatly behind her back. She'd make an exemplary Cadet, but that's not where she's going, and Hikaru is refusing to feel bad about that. 

“Say hello to Berkeley for me,” Ben says and wipes his cheek with the back of his hand. “Don't party too hard and make sure to hydrate if you do.”

Demora laughs and places her hand on her heart. “I promise I won't do anything you didn't do.”

“Oh good, then I won't have to worry,” Hikaru says and thinks about what Ben had been like when they'd met, studious and orderly, going to bed at ten and never drinking more than one beer. 

Demora laughs again and turns to wave at the shuttle pilot who is standing by the ramp, arms crossed. “Just a sec!” 

She kisses them both on the cheek and picks up her bag. She's traveling light, like an eighteen-year-old who knows her entire future is ahead of her.

“Promise you'll take care of each other?”

“Promise,” Ben says and Demora turns to walk towards the ramp, so light on her feet that she's practically dancing.

 

Their quarters are vast and empty when they return without her. Hikaru takes a quick shower and Ben watches him dress with a peculiar expression on his face. 

“You want to have a drink?”

A drink sounds like an excellent idea right now, and Hikaru tells him so, but when he's finished dressing he finds Ben sitting at the table with the wooden box in front of him.

“Listen...” Hikaru has said goodbye to his only child today. He can't handle anything else. 

Ben carefully pushes the box towards the center of the table, towards Hikaru. His gaze doesn't waver. “It's time, baby.”

It's time.

The weight of it threatens to swallow Hikaru up and he nods, robotically sitting down across from his husband at their small kitchen table. “Yeah,” he runs a hand over his face. “Yeah, what've got?”

He's holding the box in his hands now and it's all he can focus on. He pulls on the lid and it slides open easily, revealing the wooden cups he hasn't seen for almost a decade. He takes two of them out carefully, one by one, and sets them down on the table. The cups should be covered in dust from years of being unused, but they're clean and the wood is smooth like someone has been taken care of them as well as Pavel used to. 

“Spanish gin,” Ben says and pulls the stopper from a bottle. “I'm sure Pavel won't mind.” 

Hikaru swallows thickly and finally tears his eyes away long enough to look at the man who loves him. 

“You're the only one who talks about him in the present tense.” 

A soft smile plays across Ben's face and he pours them both a generous amount, a bit too much for parents old enough to have a child away at college. “Why shouldn't I? He isn't dead.”

“He's not Pavel anymore, either,” Hikaru says somberly and it still hurts even after all this time. 

The gin is smooth and strong and everything Hikaru has always tried to be. He only takes half the shot and Ben takes even less, a sign of getting older if there ever was one. If they're lucky, they'll have another five decades together. A long and happy life.

“Sometimes I think about... about how he's doing. I know I shouldn't,” Hikaru adds quickly before he can see the worry on Ben's face. “That kind of existence is beyond human comprehension. Even thinking about the scope of it... Long after we're dead, V'Ger will still be out there, expanding its knowledge or whatever it told Jim it needed to do. I feel like I'll go insane just thinking about it.” 

Ben's not looking at him with worry. His mouth curves into a smile and he takes Hikaru's hand. 

“Baby, you're forgetting something. V'Ger isn't V'Ger anymore, either.” 

 

“Do you ever think that what we do is pointless?” 

Pavel had been sullen during the whole meal, frowning at his PADD instead of eating his dinner. 

“Regretting your career choice already, huh?” It was probably cabin fever or a mild burn-out and Hikaru could fix both before they became too much of a problem. “We could probably come up with some way to get you medically unfit for duty.”

Pavel sighed exasperatedly and threw his PADD down on the table. 

“I am awed by the infinity of space and I am humbled by the privilege to explore it, I really am, Hikaru, but exploring space will take a really, really long time! If Federation science and exploration efforts continue at this rate for a thousand more years, our knowledge of the universe will still be inadequate.”

He finally seemed to run out of air and Hikaru made a mental note to schedule a sparring session for the two of them. 

“Space is big, is what you're saying.”

Pavel pressed his forehead against the table and Hikaru fought the urge to ruffle his hair. 

“Space is big, yes,” Pavel said with a groan. “And I am small.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this story after watching the 22 minute re-cut of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" set to Daft Punk's music. 
> 
> Go watch it, it's AMAZING.
> 
> https://vimeo.com/217336882


End file.
